I hate buying cars. I hate IEP meetings. I hate going into something and having no clue what I am supposed to say or do or what is needed or allowed. It makes me twitch.
I've known since he was three that my boy had issues. I've consulted with his teachers and tried to make sure we had a positive relationship with them. We let our son know that his school and parents were a team. This wasn't easy, because we had no diagnosis to back us up, so we were actually excited when we finally got his diagnosis last year. It was a gift of progress wrapped in a bow of relief.
Naively, I thought that our school problems would now be over, because the school would now also know what they were dealing with and could help him. An IEP seemed like salvation, a vehicle for a positive educational experience. Now, we could help him manage school without the trauma and drama which plagued almost every school day. Unfortunately, I approached it all wrong.
I went into our first IEP meeting and wanted to help the teachers, classmates and school handle his outbursts and meltdowns and peer relationships and so on. I also had no idea what was supposed to be in an IEP and trusted that the school, having created countless IEPs before, knew what they were doing and had the students' best interests at heart. This time, it was my student. Naive. It was not my best parenting moment. I'd bought a lemon.
The second IEP, we had a new special ed teacher and his general ed teacher seemed on the ball and worked to get him a few accommodations that had been denied to him before. Thinking this was what he needed, I bought it. It looked pretty, had some nice features, but I failed to look under the hood.
Several classroom meltdowns, bullying, and a suspension later, I went back to the lot and demanded another car, er, IEP.
Third time's the charm, right? This time, I consulted a mechanic--a special education advocate who graciously spent two hours going over the IEP, page by page. We talked about what was on it, what wasn't, and what needed to be. I was not yet an expert, but I definitely went back to the lot armed for battle. I pushed my sleeves up and let them have it. They looked as though they had never seen an IEP before. Or never had a parent push back before.
We didn't leave with an IEP yet, although the school seems to be paying attention now. The IEP needs some new parts. When the school has completed refurbishing it, we will go back into negotiations. The new one had better be shiny and like new and this time, it had better make it off the lot!
Monday, January 28, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
Asperger's and the (Not So) Easy IEP
We had an IEP meeting yesterday morning. I was prepared but nervous. They were non compliant on a few key parts and I was going to address them. My big girl pants were on. When the principal brought up her "behavior plan," I was prepared to say, "Thank you for your time," and walk out. I was going to be SO polite about it too!
They played right into my hands. Only his regular teacher brought a notebook, the principal had some post-its, and I had a folder full of every previous IEP, a few friends' IEP's, notes from an advocate, and a momma's sense of justice. They said since I called for a meeting, why didn't I start things?
PERFECT! From page 1, I was going. Not one place on the IEP addressed his Autism and the only person who could take care of that on the IEP was missing from the IEP meeting! Interesting, because they knew why I had called for the meeting.
Communication needs: They had said no, he has none. The advocate told me when I met him, that yes, in fact, he does and this is where we put it, on page four under "Communication Needs." My boy can articulate and use words I have to look up, but he does not understand body language and sarcasm and other nuances of language that become more and more prevalent as one gets older. We received some resistance here. The principal said that "communication needs" meant "assisted technology." I told them that the advocate disagreed, so the principal left the meeting to make a phone call and when she returned she had more post-it notes and said that while they would not address it on page 4, we could put it on page 7. As long as it addresses everything that it would have on page 4, I was okay with that.
I had just gotten started. I was beginning to enjoy this now that I understood what I could ask for. We came to the crux of our complaints. On every individual class, they had typed "Social Skill Instruction" requiring 90% mastery and this would be accomplished through "Teacher Observations." There were no goals listed, no measurable criteria. All it said was he "will use time appropriately" and other equally vague statements. We asked how the observations were measured. We were told when the teacher notices, she corrects the action. That is not measurable nor is it appropriate. That means there is no positive reinforcement, only correction when he does something "wrong." So, we had them break down the goals to be more specific, measurable, and positive.
Blank stares came from across the table.
No one knew how to do that. The computer program was "Easy IEP." What I was asking for would not be easy. How would they do what I was asking? Uneasy glances crossed the table. Not me, I was patiently waiting for an answer. Finally, one of the teachers remembered there was a "customize" button on the program. Apparently, they were going to have to customize, that is tailor, the Individualized Educational Program to my son's needs. Huh? Crazy!?!
Not such an "Easy IEP" now, was it? They were actually going to have to type in words instead of just opening the drop-down box. It was a lot to ask, I am sure. But my son has been bullied and suspended for the behaviors they don't like, so they are going to have to account for things a little bit more. Well, a lot more.
So an hour and a half later, the principal had a table full of post-it notes, the special ed teacher looked challenged, the guidance counselor looked like she would rather be somewhere else, and we never did get to the principal's behavior plan. I had been looking forward to that part! In conclusion, we had to schedule another meeting because they weren't ready with the staff or knowledge to put a proper IEP in place. I am curious to see what happens the next time they get a student like mine, and it WILL happen. Autism diagnoses are on the rise. I hope they prepare. The next momma may not play so nice. Of course, I'm not done yet....
I bet the school can't wait to get rid of me! Alas, I have a kindergartner and a third-grader still there....
They played right into my hands. Only his regular teacher brought a notebook, the principal had some post-its, and I had a folder full of every previous IEP, a few friends' IEP's, notes from an advocate, and a momma's sense of justice. They said since I called for a meeting, why didn't I start things?
PERFECT! From page 1, I was going. Not one place on the IEP addressed his Autism and the only person who could take care of that on the IEP was missing from the IEP meeting! Interesting, because they knew why I had called for the meeting.
Communication needs: They had said no, he has none. The advocate told me when I met him, that yes, in fact, he does and this is where we put it, on page four under "Communication Needs." My boy can articulate and use words I have to look up, but he does not understand body language and sarcasm and other nuances of language that become more and more prevalent as one gets older. We received some resistance here. The principal said that "communication needs" meant "assisted technology." I told them that the advocate disagreed, so the principal left the meeting to make a phone call and when she returned she had more post-it notes and said that while they would not address it on page 4, we could put it on page 7. As long as it addresses everything that it would have on page 4, I was okay with that.
I had just gotten started. I was beginning to enjoy this now that I understood what I could ask for. We came to the crux of our complaints. On every individual class, they had typed "Social Skill Instruction" requiring 90% mastery and this would be accomplished through "Teacher Observations." There were no goals listed, no measurable criteria. All it said was he "will use time appropriately" and other equally vague statements. We asked how the observations were measured. We were told when the teacher notices, she corrects the action. That is not measurable nor is it appropriate. That means there is no positive reinforcement, only correction when he does something "wrong." So, we had them break down the goals to be more specific, measurable, and positive.
Blank stares came from across the table.
No one knew how to do that. The computer program was "Easy IEP." What I was asking for would not be easy. How would they do what I was asking? Uneasy glances crossed the table. Not me, I was patiently waiting for an answer. Finally, one of the teachers remembered there was a "customize" button on the program. Apparently, they were going to have to customize, that is tailor, the Individualized Educational Program to my son's needs. Huh? Crazy!?!
Not such an "Easy IEP" now, was it? They were actually going to have to type in words instead of just opening the drop-down box. It was a lot to ask, I am sure. But my son has been bullied and suspended for the behaviors they don't like, so they are going to have to account for things a little bit more. Well, a lot more.
So an hour and a half later, the principal had a table full of post-it notes, the special ed teacher looked challenged, the guidance counselor looked like she would rather be somewhere else, and we never did get to the principal's behavior plan. I had been looking forward to that part! In conclusion, we had to schedule another meeting because they weren't ready with the staff or knowledge to put a proper IEP in place. I am curious to see what happens the next time they get a student like mine, and it WILL happen. Autism diagnoses are on the rise. I hope they prepare. The next momma may not play so nice. Of course, I'm not done yet....
I bet the school can't wait to get rid of me! Alas, I have a kindergartner and a third-grader still there....
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Suspended for Being Autistic?
My 11-year-old was suspended a few weeks ago, and I have been afraid to talk about it. Steam and cry and scream and throw things, sure, but talk?
My son has Aspergers. Don't let that scare you. It just means he doesn't understand you either. He is gifted, makes mostly A's, and comes home jumping up and down because, and I quote, "Order of Operations is SO COOL!" I disagree, but that is not the point right now. He loves classical music and takes piano lessons. Recently, my boy made the newspaper for achieving 1st place in a county-wide speech contest representing his elementary school.
Sounds like a deviant already, right?
So his class was assigned a group project in which my son, always the last man out because he's "different" (another bad word around here), ended up going with a group of three girls whom he has had altercations with before. They have teased him, stolen his juice at lunch, etc. Typical bratty 5th grade girls, but to C.E., that is enough to send him into major meltdown mode. He got a talking to from the vice-principal for that. Emotional meltdowns due to bullying mean you are a bad kid.
One of the girls decided to be the boss and told them all how they were going to make a coffee pot together (the group assignment was about cooperation, after all). C.E. was ordered to be the pot, another girl was instructed to execute a back-bend and C.E. was told to pour the coffee onto the "table"? As he tipped, the trajectory of his hand did also, and he ended up inches from just below her waist. He did not touch her. In fact, as soon as he noticed where he had been tipping, he jerked his hand away embarrassed. The girls giggled and taking the social cue from them, he thought all was okay. The teacher saw nothing and the class continued.
The next day went on as normal.
TWO days later, I received a call from the principal that C.E. had made a poor choice and had "pretended to inappropriately touch a girl..." 1. C.E. does not pretend, 2. He has no interest in girls, 3. He gets nervous in groups, 4. The word "pretend" implies intent; there was none, 5. C.E. was never given the chance to explain, 6. The teacher never saw it, 7. C.E. had never been in this type of trouble before. All of these points we pointed out to the principal, but she refused to lift the suspension or consider alternatives.
The suspension was effected on Friday, so we had a tough weekend. We had to explain to C.E. why he was suspended and what it meant, and we had no answers when he asked why he was suspended because he did not do what they said he did. He refused to sleep in his bed because he said he did not deserve a bed, he said he should be in jail if he is so bad, and he shouldn't be in this world anymore.
On Monday afternoon, we were called in to see the principal again who refused to discuss it again. She showed us the behavior plan she was implementing for my son which detailed other "sexually perverse" behaviors such as rocking back and forth in line or waiting against a wall. These are Autistic traits and while I see how they could be taken in the wrong way, not once has a teacher or staff member corrected his troublesome action, despite listing "Social Skill Instruction" 11 times in his IEP! Instead, they place him in an Inclusion classroom so he can be better monitored and tell us if they happen again, he could be charged with sexual battery.
If you knew my kid, this would be laughable except that the accusation is evil and disgusting.
When a classmate told the rest of the class that C.E. was "gay," that child had to sign a paper about why it was bad.
When two 5th grade girls told my Kindergartner about oral sex a few years ago, I was apparently mistaken because the girls I mentioned were good girls and they just wouldn't do that.
Yes my son, who did not do anything, goes straight to suspension?
I am angry and sad. C.E. has enough trouble making friends and now they have labelled him as a pervert because God forbid they should actually address his disability! He tried to participate in a group, a difficult task for him, and he was punished for it. He used to love school, now every morning we battle to get up and go, and I ache because I have to send him to a place where I feel he is mistreated.
So now I've talked about it. I still feel like crying and throwing things. I'm still going to fight because my child is not the only one whose autism is misunderstood and who is punished for a neurological condition he cannot help. I don't know that I will get anywhere; but it won't be because I haven't tried, and certainly won't be because I have given up.
My son has Aspergers. Don't let that scare you. It just means he doesn't understand you either. He is gifted, makes mostly A's, and comes home jumping up and down because, and I quote, "Order of Operations is SO COOL!" I disagree, but that is not the point right now. He loves classical music and takes piano lessons. Recently, my boy made the newspaper for achieving 1st place in a county-wide speech contest representing his elementary school.
Sounds like a deviant already, right?
So his class was assigned a group project in which my son, always the last man out because he's "different" (another bad word around here), ended up going with a group of three girls whom he has had altercations with before. They have teased him, stolen his juice at lunch, etc. Typical bratty 5th grade girls, but to C.E., that is enough to send him into major meltdown mode. He got a talking to from the vice-principal for that. Emotional meltdowns due to bullying mean you are a bad kid.
One of the girls decided to be the boss and told them all how they were going to make a coffee pot together (the group assignment was about cooperation, after all). C.E. was ordered to be the pot, another girl was instructed to execute a back-bend and C.E. was told to pour the coffee onto the "table"? As he tipped, the trajectory of his hand did also, and he ended up inches from just below her waist. He did not touch her. In fact, as soon as he noticed where he had been tipping, he jerked his hand away embarrassed. The girls giggled and taking the social cue from them, he thought all was okay. The teacher saw nothing and the class continued.
The next day went on as normal.
TWO days later, I received a call from the principal that C.E. had made a poor choice and had "pretended to inappropriately touch a girl..." 1. C.E. does not pretend, 2. He has no interest in girls, 3. He gets nervous in groups, 4. The word "pretend" implies intent; there was none, 5. C.E. was never given the chance to explain, 6. The teacher never saw it, 7. C.E. had never been in this type of trouble before. All of these points we pointed out to the principal, but she refused to lift the suspension or consider alternatives.
The suspension was effected on Friday, so we had a tough weekend. We had to explain to C.E. why he was suspended and what it meant, and we had no answers when he asked why he was suspended because he did not do what they said he did. He refused to sleep in his bed because he said he did not deserve a bed, he said he should be in jail if he is so bad, and he shouldn't be in this world anymore.
On Monday afternoon, we were called in to see the principal again who refused to discuss it again. She showed us the behavior plan she was implementing for my son which detailed other "sexually perverse" behaviors such as rocking back and forth in line or waiting against a wall. These are Autistic traits and while I see how they could be taken in the wrong way, not once has a teacher or staff member corrected his troublesome action, despite listing "Social Skill Instruction" 11 times in his IEP! Instead, they place him in an Inclusion classroom so he can be better monitored and tell us if they happen again, he could be charged with sexual battery.
If you knew my kid, this would be laughable except that the accusation is evil and disgusting.
When a classmate told the rest of the class that C.E. was "gay," that child had to sign a paper about why it was bad.
When two 5th grade girls told my Kindergartner about oral sex a few years ago, I was apparently mistaken because the girls I mentioned were good girls and they just wouldn't do that.
Yes my son, who did not do anything, goes straight to suspension?
I am angry and sad. C.E. has enough trouble making friends and now they have labelled him as a pervert because God forbid they should actually address his disability! He tried to participate in a group, a difficult task for him, and he was punished for it. He used to love school, now every morning we battle to get up and go, and I ache because I have to send him to a place where I feel he is mistreated.
So now I've talked about it. I still feel like crying and throwing things. I'm still going to fight because my child is not the only one whose autism is misunderstood and who is punished for a neurological condition he cannot help. I don't know that I will get anywhere; but it won't be because I haven't tried, and certainly won't be because I have given up.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Kids Gone Wild!
Kids today!
This week, two six-year-olds were suspended for using their fingers as guns while playing at recess. That sounds dangerous! I used to do that as a kid. I guess I am lucky I turned out okay. I don't even like guns. How weird! I got my adversaries every time; I was a good shot! I can't believe I'm not running the NRA by now.
A little boy in elementary school was suspended for three days for singing the song, "I'm sexy and I know it" to another little girl. When I was in Kindergarten, I kissed a boy in the cardboard train and all I got was a scolding and my M&M's taken away. I'm sure glad I didn't sing to him or I might have been in bigger trouble.
Another elementary student was suspended for two days for saying his teacher was "cute." Well, that was certainly out of line!
In another case, a seven-year-old kicked a bully in the groin when that bully had tried to choke him. He was suspended for sexual harassment. Good! Glad we have our priorities straight. I'd hate to think those Zero Tolerance Bullying Policies weren't effective.
And another--an Autistic boy was suspended for two days for coming too close to a female classmate. Good thing he didn't actually touch her or he might have been arrested.
When my daughter was in Kindergarten, two fifth-grade girls taught her about oral sex. I called the principal and was told that they were good girls, and that either my daughter or I was mistaken. No double standard there!
As you can see, our elementary school kids are out of control! From pretending, to singing, to being in proximity, to defending themselves, these kids just don't have their heads on straight! Where are their parents?
The list goes on. I could whine all day and not cover every ridiculous incident out there, and the numbers are growing.
Seriously, why are we attributing sexual urges and responses to children who don't even know what the word "sexual" means? How does it make sense to punish these children by kicking them out of school when we should be using these moments as teaching opportunities for the school, students, and parents? Oh my God! Did I just say we should teach kids in schools? I digress....
Don't misunderstand, sexual harassment is nothing to joke about, but neither is falsely accusing a child who has no grounds for defense nor intent to harm. We need to find some common sense--some perspective. Teach our kids what is a good touch and what is a bad touch, what is a good look and what is a bad look, etc. Parents need to stop inventing reasons to damage an innocent child's school record and self-esteem by irresponsibly accusing classmates. And elementary schools, if you are going to suspend students for defending themselves, or for looking at someone the wrong way, or pretending, then come up with a legitimate, effective policy or God forbid, teach them.
This week, two six-year-olds were suspended for using their fingers as guns while playing at recess. That sounds dangerous! I used to do that as a kid. I guess I am lucky I turned out okay. I don't even like guns. How weird! I got my adversaries every time; I was a good shot! I can't believe I'm not running the NRA by now.
A little boy in elementary school was suspended for three days for singing the song, "I'm sexy and I know it" to another little girl. When I was in Kindergarten, I kissed a boy in the cardboard train and all I got was a scolding and my M&M's taken away. I'm sure glad I didn't sing to him or I might have been in bigger trouble.
Another elementary student was suspended for two days for saying his teacher was "cute." Well, that was certainly out of line!
In another case, a seven-year-old kicked a bully in the groin when that bully had tried to choke him. He was suspended for sexual harassment. Good! Glad we have our priorities straight. I'd hate to think those Zero Tolerance Bullying Policies weren't effective.
And another--an Autistic boy was suspended for two days for coming too close to a female classmate. Good thing he didn't actually touch her or he might have been arrested.
When my daughter was in Kindergarten, two fifth-grade girls taught her about oral sex. I called the principal and was told that they were good girls, and that either my daughter or I was mistaken. No double standard there!
As you can see, our elementary school kids are out of control! From pretending, to singing, to being in proximity, to defending themselves, these kids just don't have their heads on straight! Where are their parents?
The list goes on. I could whine all day and not cover every ridiculous incident out there, and the numbers are growing.
Seriously, why are we attributing sexual urges and responses to children who don't even know what the word "sexual" means? How does it make sense to punish these children by kicking them out of school when we should be using these moments as teaching opportunities for the school, students, and parents? Oh my God! Did I just say we should teach kids in schools? I digress....
Don't misunderstand, sexual harassment is nothing to joke about, but neither is falsely accusing a child who has no grounds for defense nor intent to harm. We need to find some common sense--some perspective. Teach our kids what is a good touch and what is a bad touch, what is a good look and what is a bad look, etc. Parents need to stop inventing reasons to damage an innocent child's school record and self-esteem by irresponsibly accusing classmates. And elementary schools, if you are going to suspend students for defending themselves, or for looking at someone the wrong way, or pretending, then come up with a legitimate, effective policy or God forbid, teach them.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
An Open Letter to Our School
Dear Teachers, Principal, Assistant Principal, Superintendent, and Students:
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the learning experiences you have provided my son.
You may not be aware of this, but my son has Asperger's Disorder. "What is that?" You ask.
Well, it is the reason he won't look at you when you speak to him or say "hi" to you when you say "hi" in the hallway, even though he desperately wants to be your friend.
It is the reason he walks around on the playground looking at rocks instead of playing, because he does not know how to join in.
It is the reason he blurts out answers in the middle of class, despite the teacher never having called on him.
It is the reason that he holds his ears and cries during pep rallies and assemblies, because he doesn't just hear the noise. He hears every noise.
It is the reason that in the lunchroom he makes inappropriate noises or speaks too loudly.
It is the reason when he gets anxious, he sings or hums during class or makes extra trips to the restroom to get away and calm himself.
It is the reason he tells on his friends for not following instructions during group projects. He is not being a snitch. He just has a strong sense of right and wrong.
It is the reason his desk has papers sticking out in all directions and he cannot find anything.
It is the reason that, as one P.E. teacher told him, "he runs like a six-year-old."
It is the reason he comes home from school and bursts out crying because his "friends" called him "gay" or "arrogant" or "stupid."
It is the reason he says he wants to "not be in this world anymore" when a teacher he respects says he is "weird."
Now that you understand my son a little better, please accept my gratitude for his exceptional education.
A sincere thank you to his 2nd grade teacher for allowing him to be "quirky" because that was his personality. He still talks about you.
Thank you to his 3rd grade teacher for helping him with his organizational and study skills.
Thank you to his 4th grade teacher for deciding that he was a behavior problem and driving him to the point of trying to hurt himself at nine-years-old and resulting in a trip to the hospital. It's okay because she had had an autistic child before, so she knew what she was doing.
Thank you to his 5th grade teacher for showing him kindness and lenience and patience.
Thank you to the students who tease him and call him names and goad him. I am sure that was a fun time!
Thank you to the Music and PE teachers for their aforementioned motivational efforts.
Thank you to the School Psychologist for, as she put it, "not knowing how to handle him since he presented as Gifted and Autistic." That made things so much easier on him.
Thank you to the Guidance Counselor that instructed him in a group project which led to his suspension for two days.
A special thank you to the principal, that in her infinite wisdom and dedication to all of her students, refused to permit the IEP accommodations to which he was entitled and for suspending him for an action that did not occur, which she would have realized if she was true to her calling as an educator.
Thank you to the school district as well for their support of the principal and otherwise general apathy.
All of my son's experiences with you have taught him perseverance and that fairness and kindness are not found in everyone; that all teachers are not intent on his full education, although they are happy to take credit for his test scores. You have taught him how to be strong in the face of adversity. So for that, I thank you. He has received quite an education.
Sincerely,
Mom
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for the learning experiences you have provided my son.
You may not be aware of this, but my son has Asperger's Disorder. "What is that?" You ask.
Well, it is the reason he won't look at you when you speak to him or say "hi" to you when you say "hi" in the hallway, even though he desperately wants to be your friend.
It is the reason he walks around on the playground looking at rocks instead of playing, because he does not know how to join in.
It is the reason he blurts out answers in the middle of class, despite the teacher never having called on him.
It is the reason that he holds his ears and cries during pep rallies and assemblies, because he doesn't just hear the noise. He hears every noise.
It is the reason that in the lunchroom he makes inappropriate noises or speaks too loudly.
It is the reason when he gets anxious, he sings or hums during class or makes extra trips to the restroom to get away and calm himself.
It is the reason he tells on his friends for not following instructions during group projects. He is not being a snitch. He just has a strong sense of right and wrong.
It is the reason his desk has papers sticking out in all directions and he cannot find anything.
It is the reason that, as one P.E. teacher told him, "he runs like a six-year-old."
It is the reason he comes home from school and bursts out crying because his "friends" called him "gay" or "arrogant" or "stupid."
It is the reason he says he wants to "not be in this world anymore" when a teacher he respects says he is "weird."
Now that you understand my son a little better, please accept my gratitude for his exceptional education.
A sincere thank you to his 2nd grade teacher for allowing him to be "quirky" because that was his personality. He still talks about you.
Thank you to his 3rd grade teacher for helping him with his organizational and study skills.
Thank you to his 4th grade teacher for deciding that he was a behavior problem and driving him to the point of trying to hurt himself at nine-years-old and resulting in a trip to the hospital. It's okay because she had had an autistic child before, so she knew what she was doing.
Thank you to his 5th grade teacher for showing him kindness and lenience and patience.
Thank you to the students who tease him and call him names and goad him. I am sure that was a fun time!
Thank you to the Music and PE teachers for their aforementioned motivational efforts.
Thank you to the School Psychologist for, as she put it, "not knowing how to handle him since he presented as Gifted and Autistic." That made things so much easier on him.
Thank you to the Guidance Counselor that instructed him in a group project which led to his suspension for two days.
A special thank you to the principal, that in her infinite wisdom and dedication to all of her students, refused to permit the IEP accommodations to which he was entitled and for suspending him for an action that did not occur, which she would have realized if she was true to her calling as an educator.
Thank you to the school district as well for their support of the principal and otherwise general apathy.
All of my son's experiences with you have taught him perseverance and that fairness and kindness are not found in everyone; that all teachers are not intent on his full education, although they are happy to take credit for his test scores. You have taught him how to be strong in the face of adversity. So for that, I thank you. He has received quite an education.
Sincerely,
Mom
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