Fair, Honest, And Right

I hate that our troubles with the school have deteriorated so far as they have. To be honest, it isn't fair and it's not right.

To be honest, I used to think my son had behavior problems, too. My husband said I didn't discipline him enough, doctors said I didn't understand boys, and psychologists batted around diagnoses from ADHD to Bipolar Disorder. We still cannot find a therapist he meshes with and who treats what he needs them to. I've made apologies for his behavior and felt guilty when he'd have a meltdown in public that caused the condescending stares of passers-by. I've apologized and felt guilty, and tried to compensate for every time I've had to take care of my son instead of giving the girls equal or even adequate attention. My girls have had to be very understanding and helpful, despite being embarrassed when their friends witness their brother's fits or upset when Mommy and Daddy have to take care of their brother once again. When my son was little, before we knew, we would go out to dinner, only to have to walk out when he screamed throughout the restaurant. It hurts to watch him cry because his sisters have friends and he doesn't and that he (or we) cannot always participate in things that would be fun or good for him because they may also be too loud or busy for him to function.

To be fair, we have had great teachers (mostly)--a phenomenal school system--so far as you don't buck the system. Well, I've never been one to follow the crowd, but that does not mean I've gone looking for trouble either. My daughters have fabulous teachers who challenge them academically. The girls talk a lot, but talking is the only thing that has ever got them in trouble. My son as had some exceptional teachers, including his current one, so fortunately, he will leave elementary school with better memories than I send him off with. I am hoping middle school will be better for him. I tell him it will be without knowing if I am lying or not. I have to believe it, because I cannot imagine it getting worse.

To be right, however, is not necessarily to be fair or honest. And being right, means I take care of all of my kids and put them first, as does any mother. It means that I no longer care about the dirty looks or comments behind our backs. It means no apologies. My son has a neurological condition. Would you make apologies if your child had diabetes or a learning disability or glasses? The parent's of children at school with peanut allergies do not make excuses, and in fact entire classrooms monitor what they bring into classrooms to help them. A meltdown may not kill my son, but ignorance and apathy can. He has already been to the hospital once for trying to kill himself (he was 9) because his teacher was always angry with him and kids teased him constantly.

To be right means that if the school refuses to understand autism, then I must fight until they do--not just for my son, but for those that are coming after him. That may sound obnoxious as you read it, but it is the truth. I truly hope that the school is ignorant rather than vengeful. Education in as much about learning as it is about teaching. My goal is not vengeance despite my anger at the entire situation. I want the school and district personnel to understand how to help all of their students, instead of first assuming the worst of them.

For anyone who knows me, I don't like to rock the boat and I second-guess everything. While this mess with the school sucks, I don't second guess fighting this battle or putting it out there. I know if we are going through this, there are others sailing similar seas. Fortunately, I have a great support system backing me up and making sure my son is okay. I know that while this is tough and may not end the way I want it to, it won't be because I haven't made every effort possible and used every resource possible and at the very least, brought awareness.